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[02 Nov 2010|08:40pm]
This morning, I caught a glimpse of myself in a window reflecting the morning. I was wearing my hideous, puffy red jacket and was surprised by my own appearance: I was looking into the eyes of a powerful man.

Maybe I should have known it, from Sam's comments--when I'm around you, I feel like the world could open up and swallow me--or the hunger and delight in Hazel's eyes at the sight of my pretenses, or when Arwyn tells me I'm more a tiger than she'll ever be, but it wasn't until I saw myself with that ugly coat and unwashed hair after a caffeinated night that I remarked internally and meaningfully on the change that's come over me. In the space of a year and a half, having accepted that bestial part of me, I've gone from a man who struggled against manipulation to a man who barely needs to exercise cunning.

To simply lay out my comfortable presence in a situation, or smile and swagger as I pass somebody, and to produce results I couldn't have dreamed to reach by calculation, it's a funny feeling. To get results by patient honesty and a powerful presence: raw charisma by confidence and recklessness--the power of fearlessness makes life fun.
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[13 Oct 2010|07:15pm]
Vagina: sort of an acquired taste.
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[23 Dec 2009|06:51pm]
"Family" is an unusual concept. I hope to understand what it means someday.

Edit: that's not to say I don't feel the concept, or feel a desire for it. I just don't fully understand what I'm feeling.
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[19 Dec 2009|08:55am]
Man, I love misty mornings. Fog throws into contrast your immediate surroundings while shrouding everything far off. If you meditate on the fog, you can concentrate on the issues closest to you, breath in the healing vapors, and see all the questions far out there, hidden. Conversely, by limiting your vision, the fog brings clarity by removing clutter and ambition from your thought process. Really helpful thing. Oh and also it is beautiful and soaks up city detritus.
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Ruminations, Conjectures [02 Dec 2009|08:46am]
A major roadblock in the communication between science and spirituality has been the placement of the soul. As a scientifically-oriented group of people in this here culture, we think of the brain as the location of everything we are, our thoughts, emotions, et cetera. Yet there's this notion we have, as a spiritually-needy group of people, that we are more than our bodies, that our soul or spirit exists beyond the scope of our bodies. This was a big issue for popes, who wanted to know where in the body was located the soul.

Luckily, I am smarter than popes. Conjecture!: the brain has been thought of as a sort of hard-drive, the place where everything is stored. What if we thought of the brain--the entire nervous system, in fact--as an ANTENNA. It is the spiritual circuitry needed to broadcast our specific personality from the Spirit World or whatever. Then, when a piece of our circuitry--the pre-frontal cortex or the nerves in our legs--breaks, there are complications in the transmission of information from the Spirit World through our bodies. This is a very comforting answer to the question of, you know: if we suffer brain damage, is our eternal soul damaged? NO! Only the circuitry by which it enters this world. Therefore! Eventually, you can incarnate into another machine, which transmits the data maybe more accurately.

HOWEVER! There are permutations in human bodies and brains. THEREFORE!: our personality, our individuality, is made up of, in some combination, some spirit being incarnated here! and the permutations presented by the particular circuitry involved in its incarnation. This would mean that WHO WE ARE is both eternal (in its overarching spiritual being) and finite (in the specific form that WE are taking right now).

RUMINATION on hidden wilderness: I was walking my sister's dog in the forest today, and decided to run! with him. He was very happy about this, and he started running, too. But I was running ahead of him--I thought I was faster than he was! Until he stopped jogging, duh. Then he went ahead of me, but he was still keeping only a few steps in front of me. He was running, giving in to wilderness (which makes him and, I suspect, most people, very happy)--but he was not sprinting as fast as he could. He made sure he wasn't running too far ahead of me. He was running with the pack--with me--which meant that we were running as a unit. Someone once told me that a big contributor to a dog's health is purpose, and that dogs need very concrete purposes. That's why they bark at strangers and bring home dead squirrels: to show that they're contributing. BUT! This dog, while running in the pack with me, neglected to run full speed so that I could run with him. THEREFORE: he was giving me the opportunity to run in a pack with him. He was contributing. I bet this gave him a sense of purpose.

So people, conjecture!: maybe if you live near some wilderness, you can run with your dog once in a while, and they will feel valuable and useful and be happier and healthier.
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[18 Oct 2009|05:57pm]
I have a hard time dealing with the unconditional forgiveness of the natural world. No matter how much I twist up my insides, if I sit in a patch of long grass for just a few minutes, I can feel the world flooding into me and massaging it all out. This morning, I went to sleep in the woods on campus, having fallen off the wagon really hard, and I felt the wind touching my face and the power of it just enter into my body to heal what I've been doing to myself. And I resisted it! I felt that I didn't deserve the healing power of the woods. I thought to myself, I'll just go back out and screw myself up again, you shouldn't waste your time on me.

I've been thinking about that tendency, maybe even that mentality of the larger world, to ignore any transgressions against it and provide. The exploitation of that energy, at least in the physical sense, is one of the reasons we human people are in such a bind right now. Would it solve the problem to withhold that energy? Not in my case, no. I need the natural energy to heal myself. But I feel that it will be wasted on me, that the natural world should just cut its losses and provide me with no healing power. But that would allow me to become complacent in my self-harm, my self-contained avoidance of meaningful interaction (and consequently of pain).

Yet I'm inconsistent in my actions. Unconsciously or coincidentally, I've sort of adopted a naturalistic policy toward wrong-doing. I think it's useless to punish people as a dissuasive measure. When people are cruel or indifferent to me, I just make my energy available to them for healing. Punishment from me would not help them become good people. Besides, they should behave morally out of a concern for other people, not out of fear by punishment. And who am I to think that I can successfully condition them and predict all the peripheral effects? Of course, I don't have the training or capacity to unconditionally open myself to people; eventually I withdraw, close myself up, refuse to be the good listener. I retreat into myself and deny healing to people who need it.

But maybe this is how nature sees things too. It would be useless for nature to punish me; it wants me to be happy, to achieve self-realization, the same way I want other human people to achieve self-realization and happiness. The question of our age, it seems, is whether the natural world can shoulder the burdens of all the people who mistreat it. Of course, not everyone will be able to heal themselves, achieve total happiness and self-awareness. That requires motivation, the right social setting, maybe a particular personality type, et cetera. I've always sort of assumed that masters of social healing can take the burden of the uncooperative and disperse it. If the world itself is a master healer (which might be too forward an assumption), it would theoretically be able to handle the burden of petulant humanity. But maybe we're too big a burden. Maybe after a certain amount of abuse, the world will shut us out, ignore our needs, and we'll get wiped off the face of the planet.
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[08 Oct 2009|04:48pm]
The theme for this week is: let go.
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some tripe [03 Jun 2009|02:34pm]
all you wenches talk about procrastination don't know meCollapse )
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[23 Feb 2009|10:40pm]
I don't really want a job. I just want to do magic.

I think... that the academic environment is becoming less and less interesting to me. But when I read about feats of mind-body Crazyshit, or spirit possession, or martial arts, or chi manipulation, I am totally drawn in. Same thing with strategy. I goddamn love strategy, can't get enough of strategy games.

I hope I'm this interested in hunting and gathering... if I don't have a career, I'll need to be happy surviving on my skills, the land, and nothing else.

Why am I wasting time with this education crap? I wanna make plant golems.
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YOU GUYS YOU GUYS [03 Feb 2009|07:37pm]
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[19 Jan 2009|01:20am]
I think I have to transfer. I've been avoiding the idea, but that's not going to be an option much longer. I love the environment here, but the simple reality is this: there are two part-time psychology professors. I think I've taken all but two of the psych courses this college has to offer. There are two lit professors: I believe that one of them has a wholly self-indulgent way of thinking, with little interest in attaining truth from novels and plenty of interest in appearances. The other teaches classes with subject matter that only occasionally interests me. There is one anthropology prof, who seems not particularly devoted to his work and whose main area of expertise seems to be his airy, droning voice and its enormous capacity to put one to sleep.

And the plain strange reality is this: I came to COA thinking of myself as a generalist. But in a fairly short amount of time, I have repeatedly specialized. Science is no longer of interest to me. Formal and vocational philosophy I find superficial. Mathematics often bore me. Visual art I have phasing interest in. Academically, my interests have become solidly centered on literature and psychology. Unless someone starts offering classes in wilderness awareness, martial arts, Qi Gong, or theoretical shamanic healing practices, I have a fairly clear academic niche.

But where the hell else would I go? COA is by far the best place that's likely to let me in (off the top of my head anyway, no offense meant to the rest of you who've found great alternative colleges with high rates of admission). Otherwise there's Evergreen or some other state school where I'd take mundanely labeled classes. After going to COA, I don't know if that's even an option. Not to mention my vanity regarding the status of my school.

And it's more than vanity. I guess I have a certain degree of COA pride. I get along with the people here. I'm starting to become attached to them. I've observed that the people I hang out with are mostly science-focused; I don't fit in with the Human Studies focused people, but maybe that's because they tend not to be very smart. The smarter people here are typically those who take Biochem.

So it seems like my options, so far, are as follows: 1) stay at COA and try to eke out satisfactory classes through tutorials and independent studies, b) transfer to Evergreen, which also seems to have a somewhat lacking psych department, or iii) find some other school.

I'm leaning toward 1, but that seems more likely to produce satisfaction than ecstatic enthusiasm for learning. El sigh. Here's hoping for teachers willing to do lots of 1-on-1s.
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[07 Jan 2009|03:17pm]
You guys: cranberries + balsamic vinegar + nutmeg + cayenne + cumin + cinnamon = level 25 delicious.
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[01 Jan 2009|04:41am]

You guys I want a map of Faerun.
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[29 Dec 2008|12:22am]
1) What is so shady about me? I swear, every other person on the street gives me a suspicious glare.

2) Which is worse: to be bored or to dislike oneself?
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[27 Dec 2008|07:39pm]
It really annoys me when people talk about MAN being the ultimate prey or whatnot. At its best, that is a silly conjecture, and at its worst it is self-absorbed and obnoxious. I think the idea stems from this story I once read that was written in the 1930s or something. But honestly. Modern humans? From the US and Europe? That is not... that is not remotely a challenge compared to stalking your average deer. What the hell.

Hey, man, you know what would be the most difficult thing to hunt ever? Someone who was raised surrounded by loud noises created by big machines, with dulled senses of smell, who has their food delivered to them, and has never been in a life-threatening situation! Yeah, that'll be SO hard. Way harder than hunting a creature who's been hunted their whole life due to how delicious they are, with natural defenses and a forest full of birds and squirrels who will alert them at the first sign of danger! Yeah!
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[26 Dec 2008|10:09pm]
Somebody combined my two favorite things:


Also: Holy crepe, Katee Sackhoff's film debut was the same movie as my stepsister's film debut.
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[20 Dec 2008|10:45am]
Dude! I got a Daily Deviation on DeviantArt!

I know it's not really that big of a thing, but it makes me really happy. Like, maybe my writing has genuine potential? Maybe? Oh gosh hope hope hope.

Dance Dance Dance.
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[16 Dec 2008|12:34am]
Friday January 16th Friday January 16th Battlestar Galactica that is all.
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Just call me Blind Coyote [10 Dec 2008|01:55pm]
Well, 96 hours with no food and no vision.

There are plenty of possible reasons for me to have failed. I came back after day 2 to avoid frostbite; does fasting not count if you're lying in bed? I drank tea instead of water part of the time to get me in a more spiritual mindset. Maybe that actually hindered me. Maybe my high tolerance for mind-affecting substances translates to a high tolerance for mind-affecting experiences. What does that mean? I'll have to take a five or six day fast? I don't know if I can tolerate that much pain.

Urgh. Maybe it's time for the Southwestern approach to Vision Quests. Or maybe I'm just not ready to be an adult.
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Copied from Eloise because I like bears [05 Dec 2008|05:10pm]
The first ten people to comment in this post AND repost this meme in their own journal get to request a sketch on the topic of their choosing from me!

If you are not a sketcher, I'm sure you have an art form you can use to "sketch" for others. This totally counts. (:

Given my limited artistic abilities, these will be doodles. Probably on lined paper, to preserve the doodlish authenticity.
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